God invented marriage as a covenant relationship between a
man and a woman (Gen.2:18-25). Marriage is one of the most intimate of human
relationships, as a husband and wife join every aspect of their lives together
for life. Getting married is easy but building a strong marriage takes time and
effort. A great wedding doesn’t make a great marriage. The key to any great
marriage is LOVE – a commitment to put the best interests of the other person before
our own. Let’s look at four important steps we can take to build a great
1. Lay a Good Foundation
If you want to build something to last, you need to start
with a strong foundation, and a marriage is no different (Prov.24:3-4). Some
good questions to ask are: Why did you get married? What is the purpose of your
marriage? What holds you together? Ingredients of a strong foundation include:
faith in God, friendship, commitment and an understanding of partnership.
See your marriage as a friendship,
not merely a functional relationship. The reason that God created Eve was as a
friend and partner for Adam (Gen.2:18). Up until that time, Adam was alone and
needed relationship with someone compatible to him. Like any friendship,
marriage requires ongoing time and effort in order to keep growing closer
together rather than drifting apart.
Include commitment in the foundation of your marriage. True love is a commitment not just a feeling. Feelings come and go; commitment stays the same. Character is the ability to carry out a decision long after the emotion in which that decision was made is gone. Strong and long-lasting marriages are not necessarily problem free, but they're committed to make it last. Make commitment, not feelings, the foundation of your family.
See your relationship as a partnership. Adam and Eve were both made in the image of God and
before sin they ruled together (Gen.1:27-28). After sin, gender wars entered as
did division and dominance (Gen.3:16-19). Jesus and Paul, despite living in a
highly patriarchal society, made strong efforts to move us back to the
beginning where men and women are seen as equals before God (Gal.3:26-28). All
followers of Christ are to submit to one another in loving service (Eph.5:21).
Even when referring to the man as the “head“ of the home (one of the most
abused Scriptures in the Bible), Paul used the sacrificial servant leadership of Jesus as our example (Eph.5:22-33). Healthy marriages are not hierarchical and there
is no room for suppression, abuse or domination. Like the love modelled by the
Trinity, the husband and wife are to model genuine love for the other, always
acting in the best interests of one another and the family (including in
Our relationship with God is vital as it is the source of the love that we need to deal with the sinful selfishness we are all prone to and to put the other person first in sacrificial love. Lack of a vital spiritual life is at the root of most relational problems. Praying and serving God’s purposes together can add great strength to a marriage. After all, a 3-fold cord is not easily broken (Ecc.4:12).
2. Offer Love Meaningfully
Genuine love is essential to any healthy relationship. It is
the glue that holds people together over time. Learning to express and
communicate our love is a skill to be developed. It’s easy to say “I love you”
but do our lives say the same thing and are we sharing that love in a way that
is meaningful to our spouse?
There are different ways of expressing love and each of them
can be seen as a language. Five common “love languages” are: (1) encouraging
words (Prov.18:21. Eph.4:29), (2) serving (Mark 10:45. Gal.5:13. Phil.2:3-7),
(3) giving gifts (John 3:16. Acts 20:35), (4) spending time together
(Eph.5:15-17), and (5) appropriate physical touch (Mark 10:16). Discover the
primary love language of your spouse and make an intentional effort to
communicate love to them in a way that is meaningful to them on a regular basis.
3. Value the Art of Conversation
Someone once said, “Marriage is one long conversation, with
an occasional disagreement along the way.” All relationships are built,
maintained and developed through communication. When communication breaks down,
so do relationships. Communication involves listening and speaking. James gives
us some good advice about this: “My dear
brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen,
slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19. NIV).” Learn the art of
asking good questions and then of listening attentively. Seek first to
understand then to be understood. Communication is the key to understanding and
understanding is the key to intimacy. Value and appreciate the differences. Talk about everything (God, friendship, family, sex,
career, church, etc). Be open and honest
with each other. Share your deepest feelings – hopes and fears. Make regular
time for uninterrupted conversation.
4. Endure the Rough Patches
No marriage is problem-free. It is inevitable that
challenges, problems, conflicts and disagreements will occur along the journey
of life for any husband and wife. How we navigate these times determines the
health and strength of the marriage. Marriages with the biggest problems don't necessarily
break up. It's the way we respond that is most important. Challenges can make
us stronger and even bring us closer together, if they are handled well.
Learn to deal with conflict in a constructive manner. Anger
gets us in trouble but it is pride that keeps us there. Be humble, apologise
for wrongs you have done and choose to forgive (Eph.4:26-32). Attack the
problem, not the person. Learn to reconnect emotionally after a conflict. The
prime destroyer of marriage is hard heartedness. If you get stuck, then don't be
embarrassed to ask for help. Attend a marriage enrichment seminar or see a
pastor, a counsellor or a mature Christian.
[For more BLOG posts on this important topic, see Marriage Matters]
Sample Reflection Questions
1. If you are married, reflect on your marriage. How did you meet? What first attracted you to your spouse? What are
some of the joys of marriage? What are some of the challenges? What keeps you together?
2. What part does a relationship with God play in a
3. Reflect on the the concept of “partnership” as it
relates to marriage.
4. The Bible says nothing specific about the “role”
of a husband or wife, especially when it relates to certain tasks. Consider some
of the inherited traditions and cultural stereotypes that exist today.
5. Think about the five “love languages” – encouraging words,
serving, giving gifts, spending time together, and physical tough. What is your primary love language as well as that of your partner? How
can this awareness help enrich your marriage relationship?
6. What are some ways to add freshness and excitement
into a marriage, when things may have become a bit stale or routine due to
7. What are some keys to resolving a conflict
8. How can we deal with anger in a more
constructive manner within marriage?
9. What are some steps we can take to “affair-proof”
a marriage relationship?
10. Take some time to pray for your spouse and your marriage relationship.
Part 2 – Parenting
More Marriage Matters